Time to reflect

The worst thing about not being able to get up and about, is the amount of time you have to think. To reflect. That can be more painful than the pain of any injury!

Yesterday was a bad day physically - but at least I wasn't spasming. I could feel it getting close a couple of times, but ice and TENS headed it off at the pass. And lots of rest. I am so sick of impersonating Homer Simpson! But it gave me the chance to catch up on some emails and DVDs. I watched some incredibly embarrassing Chick Flicks... but they were like Chicken Soup for the soul. By the end of the second movie, I felt like I was able to face a limited section of the world.

When I picked up DD, her carer told me that she could see the pain in my eyes. Which was both an eye opener and a shock for me. I was actually feeling pretty reasonable at that point - so the pain is obviously taking it's toll on me. Especially since a second person made the same comment to me today.

Today has been another day of rest. I've been able to stand on my feet more today than I did yesterday and have only needed to use the TENS once. I've done a load of stretching both days. I have to believe it is helping. My limp is slowly becoming less obvious. I'm able to control my hips more when I walk which causes less trauma to my back. But I still feel sick if I'm up too long. I still feel tight so easily. And I am still feeling so drained, both physically and emotionally.

All of this thinking time has got me reassessing so much in my life. My work, my training, my friends. I'm frustrated by a close friend who hasn't provided me with the support I need - despite me always being their for them. I'm frustrated by Dale not providing me with the support and encouragement I need to keep going with my training and rehab. At the moment I'm really struggling with moving forward. I'm scared to do any training or rehab for fear of making it worse. It's not that I don't trust him - it's that I don't trust my body. My body that's let me down on so many occasions over the past 4 years. I'm scared of not being able to walk. I'm scared of being in the pain that I've experienced on numerous occasions over the last few weeks. Pain that I would confidently say was worse than when I was in labour!

Struggling to find that inner strength to keep training has been disheartening. I LOVE fitness. I LOVE to train. I want to inspire others and help others to rehabilitate from injuries - to make them strong...but the fear of further injury and pain is over riding that at the moment. It's stopping me from thinking clearly. In the back of my mind, I know that if I don't train, I'll get stiff and make it worse. I know that if I don't do my rehab, I'm not going to fully recover. To give myself the best chance of a full recovery, I need to keep training and doing rehab... but the fear!... The fear is... well... it takes over. It's so suffocating! It takes your breath away. It stops you in your tracks... on one hand, there's the pain I have now. I know this pain. It hurts. A lot. It's expensive - because I can't work and have to pay for treatments and medications and equipment... but I know it will stop. Eventually. If I train... I don't know if it's going to cause more pain... or if it's going to make it worse... or if it causes more pain how long it will last or how to deal with it. I don't know if it's going to help. I don't know what I'm even going to be able to DO in a session. You see, what I can do today... well, it might not be possible tomorrow. That in itself is disheartening.

So I've finally made the difficult decision to put my training on hold. I don't like it. It's going to be hard to come back from this. To return to training. Especially because I'm not sure I'm going to have Dale's support. I feel alone on this journey. I don't really know what to do. I'm hoping that a break will help me to clear my head. Maybe after I see the surgeon, I'll have a better idea of what to do... I'm sick of waiting though. I feel like all I'm doing is treading water. It's a horrible feeling.