NO SURGERY! WOOHOO!

I am so RELIEVED!

I saw the surgeon today and he told me exactly what I wanted to hear! No surgery needed! My symptoms are going, I am recovering well, there is little he can do! FANTASTIC! He told me that I should keep doing exactly what I am doing and wished half his patients did what I do! He also said he can't see any reason for us to not extend our family! AWESOME NEWS!

I can't describe how relieved and happy I am! NO SURGERY!

And then I went to physio and he was pleased with me as well! He said to start walking again tomorrow! I have to start with a short walk (10 minutes) and then I can increase in a couple of days. I am excited! Back to the gym next week! I won't be doing anything super fantastic in the gym... but I'll be back! Brilliant!

Let's get moving again and get this weight GONE!

S Day looms

So tomorrow is the surgeon. I'm quietly packing my pants. So I thought I'd be a little cheeky at work today and had a look to see if my MRI results were available online. Guess what... they were!

Now this caused a mix of feelings from deep within side me. Excitement that I could see the results early... should have thought of it last week though! Panic and frustration that they were available to the general staffing populas when staff results are suppose to be locked. So, I emailed a copy to my best friend and then rang the relevant department to have the results locked.

Looking at the results, some of it made no sense to me. And I do mean no sense. I just didn't understand what they were saying - it's not my speciality! BUT, what I DID understand didn't seem too bad. I shouldn't need surgery! WOOHOO! There is only a MILD impingement of the nerve and only one nerve. WOOHOO! Now I just need to work out how to release the nerve without surgery!!!

Today is a good day pain wise. My sciatic is generating pain about 3-4/10 and is constant. It's more annoying than anything. But I feel good enough to want to exercise. I miss it. The pain fog has disappeared. I want to box (especially since I'm mad at my apparent DH). I want to get on the treadmill. I want to go back to step ups. I want to do lunges. I want to do crunches. I want to exercise!!!!!!!!!!

BUT, I'm also afraid to exercise. What if I make it worse?! What if I end up in a screaming pile of pain? What if I follow my normal pattern of self destructive behavior and end up pushing myself too hard?! I need to make sure my first few times back are with Dale. I need to be safe.

Today I also sent off an application for a new job. One in OH&S and related to correct manual handling techniques. This is the PERFECT role for me! It's something I'm passionate about! AND it's only 3 days a week! AWESOME! It's a higher level which means more pay, so it would even out to around what I'm on now. I hope I get an interview!!!

Improvement at last!

After a rough few weeks, I finally feel like I'm making progress. Yesterday I had my first entirely PAIN FREE day since this started! WOOHOO!!!!!! I shall forgive the fact that it was likely to be due to the new meds my GP has me on... the fact I am pain free is awesome!

I also seem to be coping better at work! Granted, I am still on (very) light duties, but I am coping. Thursday I was having bad spasms by lunch time and wanted to cry. But I got through the shift... the entire shift! I have actually worked a WHOLE week! Amazing!

My physio says my back is much better than it was. It is very free now which is great! Improvement! Have to love improvement! I'm over the moon! He's even written a letter to appease my boss (she wouldn't approve the last one he wrote) and has given a forecast of which shifts I should be able to do which will cover my until the week before Christmas! AWESOME! I should be back on full duties by Christmas!

Of course, this is dependent on me continuing to improve and what the surgeon tells me on Tuesday. I had my MRI on Wednesday this week. I had a copy of the report sent to my physio. It's not a great report. I asked Logan if he had received it and he said he had. He said it wasn't good. I stopped him there and told me I didn't want to know. I didn't want to spend the next 4 days stressing about what the surgeon is going to tell me! So I don't know a whole lot about my MRI results... but I do know that I have a permanently trapped nerve. I'm not sure what that is going to mean long term. Or surgically. Probably a disectomy. But Logan seems to think that if I continue to respond well to treatment that I should be able to avoid surgery. So, keep your fingers crossed!!!

Today is a good day pain wise. I've not needed anything more than my normal meds. None of the extra's. I managed the grocery shopping (with DH pushing the trolley) without incident. Another bonus! I even feel like going for a walk! But I'm not keen on ruining the recovery! So I will behave. I may do some pilates work a little later. I am only allowed to do floor work at the moment. It's going to kill me when I go back to training in a few weeks!

If I can continue to improve like this, I will be rapt! I'm so happy and relieved to finally have some improvements happening! And ready for Christmas! What an awesome Christmas present that would be!

Looking Forward

Today has been a positive day! I woke with NO pain which is always a good way to start the day! Unfortunately, it didn't last though - I had some pain after attempting to buy a few (read 10) groceries from the supermarket and going to the bank. But that was fixed with a visit to the pool with DD.

I had physio this morning which went well. Logan is pleased with my progress and hopeful that I will be off light duties within 2 weeks! HOORAY! I'm so excited! Excited enough to not be annoyed by his continued ban from the gym. Another 2 weeks off that...

I finally spoke with Dale today. He was beyond supportive of what's happening. He's encouraged me to take the time off. He's assured me I'm not a failure and haven't let anyone down. He, as usual, told me everything I needed to hear. I felt much better after chatting with him. And he said he has a plan for when I go back - one to get me comfortable back in the gym again. Loving it!

Excited, excited, excited!

I feel like a yoyo

I feel like a yoyo. One day I'm great, the next I'm back on the couch watching bad movies, bad TV, and cursing my back. I'm doing all the right things (ok, so doing the vacuuming this morning was probably not the right thing to do) and I'm getting nowhere!

I saw physio yesterday and he was pleased (if not a little surprised) by my progress since our last session on Wed...where I was in tears...and cursing him every time he touched me. Apparently I'm doing well in my recovery. However, he didn't think I was up to returning to work. I have no leave left. We negotiated (one advantage of being the parent to a toddler is you become very skilled at negotiating!). He agreed to send me to work on light duties restricting me to admissions. Now I have to get my boss to actually follow that... The other thing he said was I HAD to get in the pool. And no more gym or rehab until further notice. This is going to KILL me!

So, yesterday afternoon my little family of three treked to the pool. DH and DD played and splashed whilst I walked up and down the pool. I got to have some play time with them too which was nice... even if I couldn't play the normal games, or catch DD as she jumped in the pool, or lift her back out again. When we finally crawled out the pool, looking like a family of shriveled up prunes, I could feel a difference in my back. It felt loser. It didn't hurt so much to walk. But my limp was still there. It wasn't as noticeable as when we had arrived, but it was there. Overall, I was happy with the pool session.

Last night we went out for dinner. Nothing fancy, just the local Mexican place. I ordered one of their giant margarita's... for medicinal purposes ;) I must be getting old, I wasn't able to finish it! It wasn't the intoxication levels that stopped me from finishing it but the fact that I was so full! Had I drunk one more sip I would have revisited my evening meal! When we left the venue, I noticed I had no pain at all in my leg or back. I felt like I was walking like a normal person as well (aaaaahhhhh the trickery of intoxication!)... until we reached the car park. And then my limp was back ever so slightly. Sulking, I got in the car. When we got home, I put the TENS on straight away.

This morning I woke feeling good. I even felt strong enough to manage two small loads of washing and vacuuming my small house. It didn't last long. By lunch time, my back was spasming once more. I was devastated! I feel like a yoyo! I made DD lunch then parked myself on the couch with the TENS. Annoyed and devestated, I tried not to cry. I just want this all to stop!

Time to reflect

The worst thing about not being able to get up and about, is the amount of time you have to think. To reflect. That can be more painful than the pain of any injury!

Yesterday was a bad day physically - but at least I wasn't spasming. I could feel it getting close a couple of times, but ice and TENS headed it off at the pass. And lots of rest. I am so sick of impersonating Homer Simpson! But it gave me the chance to catch up on some emails and DVDs. I watched some incredibly embarrassing Chick Flicks... but they were like Chicken Soup for the soul. By the end of the second movie, I felt like I was able to face a limited section of the world.

When I picked up DD, her carer told me that she could see the pain in my eyes. Which was both an eye opener and a shock for me. I was actually feeling pretty reasonable at that point - so the pain is obviously taking it's toll on me. Especially since a second person made the same comment to me today.

Today has been another day of rest. I've been able to stand on my feet more today than I did yesterday and have only needed to use the TENS once. I've done a load of stretching both days. I have to believe it is helping. My limp is slowly becoming less obvious. I'm able to control my hips more when I walk which causes less trauma to my back. But I still feel sick if I'm up too long. I still feel tight so easily. And I am still feeling so drained, both physically and emotionally.

All of this thinking time has got me reassessing so much in my life. My work, my training, my friends. I'm frustrated by a close friend who hasn't provided me with the support I need - despite me always being their for them. I'm frustrated by Dale not providing me with the support and encouragement I need to keep going with my training and rehab. At the moment I'm really struggling with moving forward. I'm scared to do any training or rehab for fear of making it worse. It's not that I don't trust him - it's that I don't trust my body. My body that's let me down on so many occasions over the past 4 years. I'm scared of not being able to walk. I'm scared of being in the pain that I've experienced on numerous occasions over the last few weeks. Pain that I would confidently say was worse than when I was in labour!

Struggling to find that inner strength to keep training has been disheartening. I LOVE fitness. I LOVE to train. I want to inspire others and help others to rehabilitate from injuries - to make them strong...but the fear of further injury and pain is over riding that at the moment. It's stopping me from thinking clearly. In the back of my mind, I know that if I don't train, I'll get stiff and make it worse. I know that if I don't do my rehab, I'm not going to fully recover. To give myself the best chance of a full recovery, I need to keep training and doing rehab... but the fear!... The fear is... well... it takes over. It's so suffocating! It takes your breath away. It stops you in your tracks... on one hand, there's the pain I have now. I know this pain. It hurts. A lot. It's expensive - because I can't work and have to pay for treatments and medications and equipment... but I know it will stop. Eventually. If I train... I don't know if it's going to cause more pain... or if it's going to make it worse... or if it causes more pain how long it will last or how to deal with it. I don't know if it's going to help. I don't know what I'm even going to be able to DO in a session. You see, what I can do today... well, it might not be possible tomorrow. That in itself is disheartening.

So I've finally made the difficult decision to put my training on hold. I don't like it. It's going to be hard to come back from this. To return to training. Especially because I'm not sure I'm going to have Dale's support. I feel alone on this journey. I don't really know what to do. I'm hoping that a break will help me to clear my head. Maybe after I see the surgeon, I'll have a better idea of what to do... I'm sick of waiting though. I feel like all I'm doing is treading water. It's a horrible feeling.

Today is not a good day

Today is a bad day. I woke fairly well. Optimistic I would have a good day pain wise. But half way to work, I was sore. Spasms in my upper back. Pain in my lower back. After two hours on my feet at work, I was struggling. But couldn't sit down. By 1230 I was struggling to move. Going from sitting to standing or standing to sitting was almost unmanageable. Everything made my back spasm. I wanted to cry. At 230 I gave in and went home. My boss was more than happy for me to go, but getting my pay right is another thing.

I rang my physio and he got me in. I'm lucky to have a good physio.  He spent a little extra time trying to get better. He has been through this himself so knows how much it hurts. I just want to throw my hands up and give up on everything right now. No more PT or rehab for a while. I need to let things settle. I need time out. I need to heal mentally as well as physically. This is hard. Harder to overcome than last year. It's playing on my mind about taking income away from my family. The guilt is killing me.

But yet, my darling little girl brings a smile to my face. Asking me if I'm ok. Laying with me on the couch for a cuddle. She makes me smile.

Then there are my good friends. I couldn't have gotten through this afternoon without the wonderful Ce. Listening to me just blubber through the phone. Knowing what words to say to make me stand a little taller. To cry a little less. For that, I am always thankful.

Tomorrow is a day of rest. No work. I'm off for the week. I need to get in the pool so will try to do that tomorrow. Rest and rehab in the pool. I'd rather be at work.

Today, I hate fitness

So... today I hate fitness. I really hate it. More to the point, I hate the pain caused by my injury when I try to maintain fitness.

I had a session this morning with Dale. I. Hated. Every. Minute. To start with, it was busy in the gym. Walking (or hobbling) into a busy gym is never a good look. Then to struggle on to the bike and peddle so slowly... yup, GREAT look. When Dale finally pulled me off the bike (and I don't think it was 10 min!), I was so incredibly grateful! The pain in my back and hip making those pedals go around was a nightmare. And to be barely getting an RPM of 55 when I normally sit close to 100, was killing me! How pathetic did I look! I'd get more of a workout walking to my car!

Then we went and did upper body weights. The same things we did last week. He said to give me some confidence by doing what we knew I could do. Well, that's nice in theory. Pity it didn't follow through in practice. I struggled to do the same things we did last week. Everything followed through to my back. It hurt like crazy. I was stopping frequently. I was trying not to throw up from pain. I was trying to keep the tears at bay. All I could think about was how STUPID I was to go to training. I should have canceled. I didn't because I wanted to work my core. I wanted to keep momentum. If I don't move, I stiffen up and can't function even more than now.

Of course Dale tried to be his normal optimistic positive self. And of course I wanted to throttle him. Why can't he just say to me, for once, "Yeah. It sucks. Yeah, I understand you want to give in. Yeah I know it hurts. But look at what you've achieved. You CAN do this",,,and actually mean it. Corny? Yes. But sometimes I feel like he's not hearing me or understanding me. Sometimes, it is all I can do to get up and get dressed in the morning. Sometimes, the pain is so bad that it is all I can do to care for my daughter. I don't like it. I don't want to be in pain. I don't want to be challenged like this. I want to run. I want to enjoy my fitness. I want to enjoy the gym. I want to be able to do any task I'm set. I want to be able to play with my daughter. I want to be able to live life the same as everyone else.

And then, because I hadn't punished myself enough today - I went to see a nutritionist today. I seem to attract inexperienced people when I seek help. I'm a little scared to ask physio how long he's been practicing for this very reason. He's good, that's the main thing. The nutritionist, however, put me off from the start. She started by asking if another nutritionist could sit in. She pretended to do work in the corner but was obviously writing notes and even commented. So, why was the lady I was seeing being observed? And why did she seem nervous? More so than me... It seemed a little odd. I tried to tell myself that she is just undergoing professional development. Or perhaps an appraisal. But it doesn't sit well. So I think I may ask to see the girl who was in the meeting as well. Plus she seemed well equipped knowledge wise to deal with my concerns about DD. And if I'm going to pay the kind of money I'm forking out, I want to feel like I'm in good hands. To tell me I'm doing all the right things, when obviously something is awry, give me a couple of hand outs and then send me on my way - just doesn't sit right with me.

Tomorrow is another day. We'll see how it goes. The plan? To survive.

Making peace

Yesterday was as I anticipated. Painful. My day began with, endured, and ended with pain. I got up with DD about 0730 and made her breakfast. Then we laid on the couch together and watched Saturday morning cartoons. Remember those days? Where you'd get up early and veg out in your PJ's, eating breakfast (or not), and watching cartoons. When I was DD's age it was Disney - Mickey Mouse, Minnie Mouse, Pluto... then there was Donald Duck... then when I was a little older, it was Looney Tunes. How many times did the Road Runner escape the coyote? These days, it's stuff I have no idea what's on! Around 0800 it's Hanna Montana... which means dancing and singing for DD. And some scary looking cartoon with something that resembles Batman or something but isn't. I'd like to tell you I can remember the cartoons and that they were great... but I can't and they weren't. Whatever happened to good old cartoons? ... Did I really just write that? I must be getting old! Anyway, it was nice to cuddle with DD whilst she munched on her frozen raisin bread... another thing about my daughter I don't quiet understand. Frozen raisin bread for breakfast. As often as I'll let her. Most people enjoy raisin bread toasted and lathered with butter for breakfast (or morning tea)... but not my DD!

Around 0930 I sent DD in to wake up Daddy. I loath that he gets to sleep in EVERY weekend. Not that I don't want him to be well rested - but that I never get to have that same luxury. Plus, he needed to go get his car from work after picking me up the day before...and he had promised to take DD with him on the train. And she wanted that train ride! It was raining with no sign of letting up - only looking to get worse. So I wanted them to go before it poured.

They left a little before lunch. I had showered and made my way back to the couch. The couch is quickly becoming my best friend and I'm begining to resemble Homer Simpson. Not a nice feeling. Covered in a nice warm quilt and nestled against my pillows, I turned on Sex and The City 2 and began to watch it. Savoring the quiet of a house absent of it's child. I won't pretend to feel guilty. They returned around 1300 with lunch supplies. I made myself make them lunch. And then DD curled up on the couch with me to tell me about her adventure with Daddy. As wonderful as it is to see her light up and happy, it hurt that I couldn't have shared it with her. I know there will be other train rides... but will they be as exciting as this one for her?

The afternoon was largely spent on the couch. Icing and cursing my pathetic body. The shooting pain to my groin (hip flexor and solace) and leg were back. I did contemplate (several times) calling my physio - but DH had to work and I didn't feel up to driving myself. Plus, did it really warrant it? Wasn't I just being a sook? I toughed it out as much as I could. I eventually fell asleep on the couch only to have DD pull my eyelid up and declare "Mummy, it's not time for sleeping!". Thanks honey. When I did eventually go to bed that night, I needed my strongest pain meds to relieve the pain. You'd think I'd sleep well... but nope. I woke around 0100 hours with that drunk feeling. A heavy, foggy head. Although my head was firmly on the pillow and my eyes firmly closed, it felt like I was stuck on a merry-go-round or one of those gravity things at the show - you know the one that pins you to the wall and makes your stomach hurl as it spins around? Would have been ok if I could go back to sleep and stay on the bed. But no, I needed to pee. So I stumbled to the bathroom wondering if I'd pass out along the way. I can't recall the last time I was drunk... I feel cheated it was from taking medication and not copious amounts of alcohol and the associated fun!

With my bladder emptied and my body back in the comfort of a warm bed, I'd hoped I'd return to the land of slumber. Instead, I was destined to spend the next 5 hours tossing and turning. My back hurt and no position was comfortable. My leg was restless. Yet, despite the pain, my body felt like it was as light as a feather. Then, just as I began to slumber, DD appeared next to my head
"Mummy? Can you get up?"
"No honey. Wanna climb in?"
"ah huh"
"ok, in the middle kiddo" and so the morning dance of DD climbing up from the foot of the bed, lifting the covers, climbing in between DH and myself, wiggling to get comfortable with one leg in DH's back and her head firmly in the middle of my pillow, began. 3, 2, 1... cue soft snoring from DD. I returned to slumber.

0830 welcomed me being told to get up. And DD being told to make Daddy. It's his turn. DH took the hint and attended DD's needs for the morning, allowing me to attempt to sleep off my tramadol hangover. Pity it didn't work. I woke with a killer headache at 1000. Coffee was needed. Badly. And more pain meds please. My back was worse than ever. At least I could walk.

Breakfast downed and I made DD get dressed (I'm a cruel mother) before having my own hot shower. In peace. How did that happen? Oh, that's right, Daddy had put some age appropriate music clips on. She was mesmerized.

Sore, tired, and sick of being confined to the couch, I begged DH to take us out. He'd seen an ad for a shoe sale and, knowing of my love for shoes, offered to take me. So we went. It hurt like hell to walk through the shopping centre - my pain has clustered around this one spot in my back. It feels swollen. No, not swollen... I don't know how to describe it. It's horrid though. And then there's the constant pain in my leg and groin. The leg constantly feels like it is on fire. It is horrid! But we did a little shopping and then came home. The hour in the shopping centre completely wiped me out. I was exhausted! Why is pain so exhausting? In the car on the way home, I was thinking about my old life. Before this injury came along, I'd have been in the gym at that particular point in time... not in the car trying hard not to fall asleep after an hour in a shopping centre.

The afternoon has been a little blurry. I don't really know what I've done to be honest. No idea what I did when I got home. But I know DH had a snooze whilst DD and I spent time together. We spent an hour making home made wontons for dinner. Then I hearded her into the shower.... having kids is kind of like having cats. You heard them one way, and they skitter in the opposite direction. I must remind her of that when she's older... Anyway, she's now in bed sound asleep and DH is watching a movie on TV. The Bucket List. I'm trying to tune it out. I kind of feel like making my own Bucket List. But I'm sitting on the couch, wishing my leg would stop burning, and trying to work out if it's worth risking another tramadol hangover tomorrow when I have to be at work at 0700 hrs...

DH and I had a chat today. One I've been avoiding having with him. The Surgery Chat. I got my information from the surgeon's rooms on Friday. I finally showed it to DH. We won't know what the surgeon thinks until I see him in a few weeks... but we needed to talk about the possibility of surgery. In my head, I pretty much have it all worked out. I'll have it done at the private hospital next to work because then I can pick an anethetist from work. One I know and trust. And hopefully they won't charge me ;) The surgeon will be about $700 out of pocket but hopefully he will do a no gap with my insurance company because of my profession. For rehab, I don't know where I want to go. The one at work is good but I'm not sure if I could go there as a private patient. By my estimate, we would be around $1500 out of pocket for the surgery. Plus the time DH has to take to care for DD whilst I'm in hospital (he'd have to do shorter days and we'd have to book DD in extra days). Then there is the time I have to take off. It's about 8-12 weeks. I get 5 weeks annual leave a year and 3 sick leave. So if I had all 8 weeks available to me (which I don't right now), I'd still be about 4 weeks without pay. It seems slightly doable. Slightly. I feel less panicked about the practicalities of having the surgery. The surgical risks, however, are still making me shut down. I want conservative treatment. If I say it three times whilst I click my shiny red shoes, will it come true? It worked for Dorothy...

Two steps forward, one step back

Today was not a good day. It started well with physio. L was pleased with my progress and tells me that I am healing much faster than most people with my injury. He also thought I could begin some back extension exercises. Awesome!

Then I went to work. Besides the fact it was work, and feril, I had a small mishap today. It was just one of those things. Could have happened to anyone and wouldn't ordinarily cause any issues. Even in me. But today it did. I was walking through the area and saw someone backing towards me using my peripheral vision. I tried to side step out of the way but wasn't quick enough. The person landed on my foot - but of course my body was still travelling and thus caused my body to jar. It hurt like all buggery. My back went into spasm and I was stuck. I ended up being sent home. I spoke with my physio who said to use my brace, go home and ice and rest. Which I've done. DH was kind enough to cancel his back to back appointments and pick me up and driving me home.
I'm feeling a little better now (after several hours of ice and rest) but still have pins and needles down my leg into my foot. And pain. And spasms in my leg.

I don't blame the guy who ran into me. It was an accident. But I'm annoyed something so little can cause so much trauma to my body. And such an inconvenience in my life! I'm sick of it! And I'm sck of being confined to the couch! The only benefit is getting to watch loads of soppy movies... except I still haven't watch Sex and The City 2 which I bought the other week! Oops!

Here's hoping next week is better!

Failure, disappointment, and appointments

Today is not such a good day. I feel like a let down and a failure to my little family. To my DH and my DD. I feel like my body has failed me and struggle to understand why. I cried my whole way to work.

Work was less than fun. Far too short staffed and feril. Busy as well. I am suppose to be on light duties and I am suppose to be given a specific role for a few weeks to promote rest and recovery. Fat chance of that happening today. I spent the entire shift walking back and forth and on my feet. By morning tea I needed my brace. By lunch I was almost crying with pain. By home time I WAS crying with pain. I don't want to go tomorrow. But I can't let the team down. We just don't have the staff. But have promised DH if I am going to have a repeat of today, I will come home again. I just can't do it again.

Physio in the morning, hopefully it will help. And hoping I get a good report...

Appointment with the surgeon is made. They made it for 5 weeks away but after they received my referral they requested I fax, they brought it forward by 2.5 weeks... I'm now seeing them on the 30th November. And pooing my pants. I have to have an MRI before I go. The shimmer of hope I am clinging to is that my boss tells me that the surgeon is NOT knife happy and prefers conservative treatment of spinal injuries. HOORAY! Hopefully I won't need surgery!

Work, PISP, and referral to a surgeon

First day back at work today. Thankfully I had a much better sleep last night - even if I did wake feeling like I needed another 2 hours! I did much better than I thought I would at work. I was in admissions again and had a grand total of 12 patients today. The only thing killing me today was BOREDOM! It was painful! The plus side of that is you get a rare opportunity to provide emotional support to your patients. And I had some great ones today! Physically, it was difficult to remind and stop myself from doing normal duties. Lifting luggage, moving the equipment trolley, bending to put TEDS on a patient... but that's because I'm so used to being independent and looking after myself. I've done it all my life. But my NUM kept checking on me and supporting me. It kind of felt good... And then I got the PISP (Personal Injury Support Plan)...

Physically, I coped ok today. I didn't fatigue until about 1400hrs. Although at about noon I noticed my back was getting really sore. I contemplated getting my brace out of my back pack but the burn on my back makes it too painful to wear. So I persevered.

After work I had my appointment with my GP. The look on his face said it all. The report was one thing but his concerns were another. I asked him what the future holds for me. He said he had no idea. We don't know why my discs bulge so easily. But they shouldn't. I now have three discs that have bulged. The nerve at the L5/S1 is being compressed by the bulge which is new. Last year it was only touching. Hopefully as the inflammation goes down, the nerve will be less compressed. But we don't know what will happen. I had to send my crystal ball off for repairs so fortelling the future is just not possible at the moment.
My GP said his main concerns were my age and multi level disc prolapse. The symptoms are treatable and, considering my success last year, will likely respond well to similar treatment. BUT (there's always a BUT, isn't there?), he wants me to see a surgeon. He knows my stance on surgery and was quick to assure me that it isn't for the prospect of surgery but for a second opinion and management strategy. The surgeon will order an MRI for better views of my injuries. Hopefully they will be supportive of conservative treatment and not in favor of surgery. I do not want surgery. I've been reading about the likely surgery to be proposed and the long term benefits even out at the 15 year mark for surgical Vs conservative treatment. So many things to consider.

So... my plan? To survive tomorrow. My first day back in recovery where I'm on my feet most of the day. To call the surgeon's rooms and make an appointment. And to get some gentle pilates in... rehab rehab rehab... afterall It’s about learning to do the things you want to do, within the limits your body imposes.

PT, Physio, and CT results

Last night was not a good sleep night. DH is sick with a cold and has all the snot that goes with it. Which means that he also snores more. Loudly. So loudly he can be heard over my iPod playing at half volume! On top of that, he was restless last night. I swear had he tossed or or turned once more I was going to smother him with his own pillow! Luckily (for him) he got up about 20 min after I came to bed. He took his pillow and iPad to do some study on the lounge.

So, you'd think that with the bed to myself, I'd get to sleep right? After-all, I was exhausted... nope. I then found myself unable to get comfortable. Too hot; too cold; leg pain; hip pain; restless leg... I finally fell asleep around midnight. Doesn't sound too bad right? Wrong.

At 0100 I hear a faint "Mummy?" I wait to see if she goes back to sleep... "Mummy?" NOOOO! I just got to sleep! I call out
"what's wrong DD?"
"Mumma (sounding slightly more distressed)...I'm wet Mumma". Brilliant (note sarcasm). I hadn't double made her bed after her last accident (for all non-parents out there, that means making the bed and then putting a waterproof matress protector over it and then making it with a second set of sheets... so if your little bundle of wee - oops, joy - should happen to have an accident throughout the nocturnal period, you can simply remove the offending linen and toss it in the bathroom/laundry/leave it on the hallway floor until the morning whilst said bundle of wee/joy can climb into a fresh and, more importantly, dry bed before returning to the world of slumber...
                           So, I haul my backside up (noting along the way that DH has fallen asleep on the couch and is contently snoring away) and strip both DD and her bed all the time cursing my failure to double make her bed. Together we stumble through our haze of sleep (being careful not to turn on lights and upset her eyes (and therefore having her meltdown) by bright light) and get her into dry PJ's. She asks to sleep on the couch - sorry kiddo, Daddy beat you to it...we'll have to bunk together. So with a pillow in one hand and DD clinging to the other, we return to my room and climb into bed.

NOW I can sleep peacefully... right? Wrong. My nose decides now would be a great time to express it's dislike over the current pollen concentration we've been experiencing. I finally get that under control and my leg hurts again. Finally stops hurting and it becomes restless again. FINALLY, about 0200, I fall asleep. Only to wake at 0300 for no apparent reason. To my left is DD snoring softly. From the lounge I hear DH snoring not so softly. I toss and turn for a bit. Finally I decide to try some panadol for my leg. About 0340 I drift off to sleep. To wake at 0400. Annoyed I will myself to sleep. I have training in the morning! Next thing I know, my alarm is going off. Brilliant, 0700. A grand total of around 4 hours sleep give or take.

Next to me DD wakes crying like she's just been told her best friend cancelled Christmas... all because her hair was messy. WHO IS THIS CHILD?! Of course your hair is messy, you just woke up! I try (why, I don't know) to reason with her and get her to get in the shower with me (to wash off last night's wee off her whilst I shower for the day) only to be met by more hysteria. Anyone would have thought I asked HER to cancel Christmas! Finally, she gets in...*insert sigh of relief*...only to be greeted with another melt down when I announce it's time to get out. Are you for real?!

Finally we get to the gym. I check DD into the creche and tell her I love her (as only a mother would do right now!). I was a little reluctant to go into the actual gym though. Walking into a gym with a limp is never a good look. Especially when you're a good 30+Kg over weight. I always feel like I'm going to be judged. But I also know I need to do it. It's part of the deal... right? So I go in. No sign of Dale and I look longingly at the treadmills. For a split second I contemplate getting on one... but I make myself walk past them to the bikes. Getting on hurt and this guy in the weights area was watching me with an amused expression. I wanted to sock him. Better yet, make him walk an hour in my shoes.

I didn't push too hard on the bike. I sat at around half my normal level of difficulty and doubt I exceeded 50RPM. It hurt my left hip - the hip flexor. But I pushed a little. When Dale arrived I stopped and we had a wee chat about things before starting. Upper body weights. An hour of it. I hate upper body weights. No, really, I do. But only because for so long it was all I could do. And now I'm back there. It stinks.
We worked my core a fair bit. Some of the exercises hurt my hip flexor and leg due to referral of muscles we were activating. At one point I nearly threw up. Dale chose that point to make me sit on a fit ball for the remainder of the session. It was a light session. A baby one really. But it wasn't so bad. If I want to get better I have to just suck it up. Deal with the annoying exercises. Deal with the pain (so long as it doesn't make things worse). The only bad part of the session was getting off the bike and a bench which meant I had to lift my leg. Other than that, it was all manageable.

After PT came physio. OUCH OUCH OUCH! I tell you, this man is lucky he makes me feel better or I'd sock him one too... no I wouldn't, he's got massive biceps! he'd grind me to a pulp with one finger! LOL. He did more massage, traction, acupuncture, and laser. And it HURT! I won't be surprised to find more bruises tomorrow! Several times I was gasping with pain. But I know it's helping... We spoke about my injury, he looked at the images of my CT (no report at this point), told me the game plan and how I need to follow the rules (do I have "rebel" written on my forehead or something?). He wants to see me again Fri before work. Hmmm. That means things aren't as good as they could be... but he's making a special appointment for me. Coming in early. Why do physio's always do this for me? Do they think I WANT to get up earlier than necessary to see them so they can inflict pain on me?!? LOL. I know it's because of my shifts ;)

DD was so good at gym and physio I treated her to lunch out. Then I get the phone call from my GP. The one no one wants to hear after tests "I need you to come in. We need to discuss the results". No. No No No No No. No.
Me: "Is something wrong?" (nooooo, he just wants to discuss the weather doofus)
Dr: "The scan shows a new development. I think we should discuss it"
Me: "Is it bad?" (Deeeeeer)
Dr: "You have a new disc bulge. At L3/L4. But it's only minor"
Me: "Right. what does this mean?"
Dr: "It's compressed on the left like the last one. And it's making the compression at L5/S1 worse. You need to come in tomorrow to discuss your options. To make sure you have adequate anti-inflammatories"
Me: "Ok. What are my options? Was this caused by stair training?"
Dr: "This wasn't caused by exercise. Your options are 1) conservative treatment (AKA physio, rehab, pilates) 2). Epidural injections 3). Surgery. But we will discuss it tomorrow". End call.

My head went into a spin. A massive one. A NEW bulge? HOW?! WHY?! How long is this going to take me to recover this time? What's it doing to my spine? I start thinking about career changes. Kissing goodbye my PT dreams. I ring DH fighting off tears. I can't let DD see me upset. I tell DH the news. He sounds as concerned as I am. But he says he wants me to see a surgeon. I. Do. Not. Want. Surgery.
I message a couple of friends. DD and I finish lunch. In the car, I call Dale. I tell him the news. Not good. He's supportive. Tells me to not to stress about it. I want to reach through the phone and shake him. How, exactly, do I not stress about this?! But he reminds me I've overcome this once before and can again. This time we know exactly what does and doesn't work. He knows me well, he knows my signals and expressions. He can read me like a book... so I can't get away with anything. He reminds me to look forward. I feel a little more able to deal with it.

I spoke with my best friend (Ce) who also kept me grounded and focused. She let me vent, cry, and whinge. She reminded me to wait for my appointment tomorrow. I can't do much else...

So, the plan? Breathe. Back to work tomorrow (should be a barrel of laughs). GP after work. Some core work and stretching after dinner. I imagine I'll have to meet with my boss and the return to work person tomorrow. Should be interesting.... especially if I tell them about the scan results. Might leave that until after I talk to my GP...

One step at a time...

Fitness, Weight Loss, Injuries, Careers, and My Life.

My name is Dewn. Well, not really - but that's one of my (many) nicknames. My real name is Natasha. Tash. Nat. Tashy. Anything within reason really. I've certainly had some interesting variations on my name over the years. There was a patient once who, for 4 years, called me Claire. To this day, when she sees me on the street, still calls me Claire... and then there was the boys at the Fire Station... for almost 2 years they called me Natalie... I gave up and they just kept it at Nat. So, really, anything goes!

I'm a Mum. I have a delightful, terrifying, loving, irritating, magnificent, 3 and a half year old daughter whom we shall refer to as DD. What does DD stand for? Well, it could be Dear Daughter, Delightful Daughter, Devil's Daughter, Dangerous Daughter... the list is kind of endless isn't it? ;) But really, she is great. The best thing I've ever done.

My leading man (my husband) we will refer to as DH. If I revealed his real identity on here, he'd kick a stink due to his line of work. Party Pooper. Hmmm.... shall I call him PP? No, DH is probably more fitting. We shall say DH stands for "Dear Husband"... although it could just as easily be "Devil's Horns", "Dangerously Horrid", "Dumb Head"... again, the options are endless!

In the real world I'm a nurse at a major public hospital in Victoria., Australia. I work in a Day Procedures Clinic which itself can provide much amusement, stress, amazement, tears, and laughter.

I'm going to use this blog to track my life a little. My weight loss goals, fitness goals, career goals - all of which I will outline shortly. In the past I have used a blog on a parenting website to document my weightloss and (apparently) it inspired a few people to follow suit. This isn't meant to inspire so much but to prove to people that if I can do what I do, so can anyone else. Really, it's not rocket science - just hard work!

So, I'm around 108Kg. I'm about 173cm tall. When I started my weight loss journey in April 2009, I was around 116Kg. I lost the first 5Kg quickly. Then I sustained a back injury. Well, more to the point, we discovered the back injury.

Although I can pinpoint an exact point in time that generated the pain last year, it has been accumulating over many years. The end result is compressed discs at L4/L5 and L5/S1. In lamens terms, the bottom two discs in your spine. The compressing is worse on the left side and often touches nerve at the L5/S1 location. It makes things very uncomfortable. But the warning signs were there for a couple of months before the big incident. I was getting altered sensation in my left leg when I ran and only when I ran. The pain was never in the same spot two sessions straight. I was seeing an osteo for a shoulder injury and she worked on my leg. After the big incident, I finally saw my GP who sent me off for a CT... the results were not great. But, with slow and persistent work with my personal trainer, I recovered well. It took a long long time to be able to do things like twist and bend and, eventually, run. But I got back to it. My running was never brilliant. I never lasted more than a minute for fear of the pain returning. But I WAS running.

When I started my journey in 2009, I hated the idea of exercising in public. The thought of exercise terrified me. Odd considering I used to love it. Having trained up to 6 days a week pre-DD. Now it made me want to curl into a ball under the table and rock back and forth... but training with Dale changed that. He's worked with me and on me and helped me to love exercise again. He doesn't know it, but he's also inspired me to want to change my career. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE nursing. I am very passionate about it. But I'm also passionate about fitness and helping people to look after their health. And so I want to do my Cert 3 and 4 in Fitness. Become a personal trainer. But first, I need to rehabilitate this injury and lose the weight... I've been thinking of business names, ideas, locations, marketing - my poor family has had enough of it! LOL.

Then around 2 months ago I saw an event advertised on the work intranet. The Eureka Stair Climb. 88 floors, 1624 stairs, 300m vertical climb. I thought it would be a great test of my rehabilitation and fitness. Was I up to it? I'd not done any significant leg work since my injury last year, instead focusing on my core and upper body. But my medical team thought I was good for it and my personal trainer supported my decision. So I started training for it. Together, my trainer and I devised a safe training program which I followed to the letter. I was doing great! Coping well with no soreness that wasn't DOMS (Delayed Onset Muscle Soreness). I was thrilled! My only disappointment was my lack of weight loss. Many of my friends were supportive of the climb. A girl at work even signed up to do it as well! My parents were encouraging.

But, two weeks and 1 day from the event, things went wrong. Very wrong. I did a minor training session at home and struggled the whole time. I put it down to fatigue after a busy day at work. The next morning I woke sorer than normal. My left leg struggled with power and pain to the thigh. I thought it was my disc hitting nerve so didn't push much that day. I used all my old tricks from my injury. I went to bed that night feeling good. Sunday morning I woke stiff. Nothing new. I took my usual meds (Panadol Osteo and Mobic - I have arthritis in hip and back now). I showered after breakfast and couldn't put my trousers on. Crap. I couldn't lift my left leg without extreme pain to my thigh and abdominal muscles. I hobbled out to the lounge room after wrestling on my clothes and told DH I was having a relapse. I spent the day on the couch praying rest would have me mobile by the next day. Thank goodness it was a long weekend and I didn't have to work the next day. By the end of the day, I couldn't go from laying to sitting or sitting to standing without tears despite kick ass pain meds. I fought the panic building in my chest. 2 weeks to race day. This couldn't be happening!

Monday, I woke a little better. I could at least get dressed even if I couldn't lift my left leg. I had to get my car serviced and spent 2.5 hours sitting at the mechanics. In hindsight, this was the worst thing I could have done. By the end I was almost crying in pain. But DH wanted to spend some couple time together whilst DD was in creche - so we went to a movie. By the end I could barely stand let alone walk. How I drove home, I don't know! I rang a physio hoping they could fit me in. Which he did. L was a godsend. 45 min of massage, traction, heat therapy, and accupuncture had my pain from 9/10 to about 6/10. He said I should be a lot better by the next day but I should reconsider the climb. NOOOOOOOOOO!

Tuesday I woke and could lift my leg to a 90 degree angle! HOORAY! Sure it hurt but it hurt a lot less! I could kind of walk! But more than 10 steps made me want to throw up. So, another day resting and dosed up on kick ass pain meds. Made the reluctant decision to definitely cancel the climb :(

Wed I had to go back to work. The only reason you don't show up for that shift is if you're dead. Luckily I was in admissions all day and spent 98% of the day seated. I could barely walk. And I couldn't stand for more than 5 minutes without falling. I negotiated with the in charge to alter my shift for Thursday to be sitting again and to have Friday off. I discovered when putting patients walking sticks away, that they made walking much more comfortable. Food for thought. After work on Wed, I went back to physio who did more work. And suggested I use a walking stick. Ahhhhh as comfortable as it was - only old people use walking sticks! I'm only 29!!!

Thursday I woke sore. I dreaded the day ahead. My boss was back from sick leave and gave me grief over my relapse. She demanded a "return to work certificate" which annoyed me as it isn't a workplace injury. After talking with HR, we agreed on a PITH or something. Basically, being managed by the return to work co-ordinator whilst my injury is bad. Once I'm back on normal duties they go away. I hurt. I struggled through the day. I reluctantly made an appointment to see my GP after work. He thought my injury was mostle muscular but sent me for another CT just in case it wasn't. Not what I wanted to hear. He wanted me on light duties at work but I told him that meant me making another appointment to see him... we agreed he'd write me one for normal duties. This would get everyone off my back.

Friday I woke better than the day before. I was thrilled that every day had me feeling better! I saw physio at noon and he said I needed to be on light duties to be assessed week by week. BUGGER! I rang my boss. She was not happy. Long story short, he wrote a detailed letter and faxed it to my boss. I got a phone call saying not to come in Monday (today). Joy. 5 day weekend is a plus. The fact I have no sick leave and need to use my annual leave is a negative. But, so be it if it means I can rid myself of this pain and injury. Friday afternoon I had CT (waiting for results). Friday night DH decided to take the family away for the night to get my mind off things (all together now.... awwwwwwwwww). except I was in so much pain we ordered room service for dinner and I went to bed!

Saturday I woke with less pain again. HOORAY! But DH wanted to go to a major shopping centre. *groan*. The physio had said I can't walk more than 300m and DH wants me to do WHAT?! I reluctantly agreed so long as we took regular breaks.... guess what didn't happen? The upside was I held up surprisingly well whilst there. The down side was by that night I had slid back two days in progress. Awesome.

Sunday, a day of pottering around the house. Sore as all hell. Wanting to kick DH for the day before. But that wouldn't be nice... so I took my pain meds and sucked it up. And made him cook dinner ;)

Monday - today. I woke sore. Not too bad but sorer than I'd like. Physio tomorrow and hopefully PT as well. Physio wants me back into it - it will help my leg apparently. How? by making it fall off?! No, that's unfair. I know it will help. The last 18 months has shown me that if I go more than 3 days without training, I get sore and stiff. So to go this long is killing me psychologically. Pain wise it hasn't hurt me because of the pain of my injury. But I don't want to leave it too long... I've copped a lot of flak at work for being injured. Everyone assumes it is because of my training for the climb. The reality is, whilst they don't yet know WHAT caused this - my physio is adamant it wasn't caused by my training. More likely I've nipped a nerve which has caused everything to spasm and contract. Painfully. Plus I've slightly bulged the disc again.

So, now we're all caught up - well, sort of - lets move forward together. Because, you know what? I've come back from injury before... and I can do it again!